Farrow and Ball

Are you in the process of re-decorating your period property?  Be aware, it will need to be both charming and rustic.  However, any actual shabbiness, in the manner of those habitually living in the countryside, will lose you class points.  Luckily, it has come to our attention that there is an easy way to achieve this. 

Farrow and Ball paint will quickly disguise any unpleasant reminders of your (second) homes' previous, less middle class occupants, who were probably elderly farmers with regional accents or something.  While being effusive about their local knowledge to other Middle Class People at supper parties (you MUST describe them at some point as 'real', 'genuine' or 'an absolute find'), you will of course need to remove the remove the late nineties lino from the original feature stone flag flooring, and get the Aga ordered pronto (more on that later). 

But first, you must know that there are actually only 4 colours you may paint the walls in.  These are:  National Trust Green, Thomas Pink shirt Blue, Not Beige Brown, and Definitely Not Magnolia Cream. 

Luckily, Farrow and Ball make it easy for you by stocking only these 4 colours.  Crucially however, they retain their middle class popularity not only by being wildly overpriced, but by dividing these colours up into exactly 64,329 shades, each with a different name to those listed above.  This provides you with an opportunity to silently judge other middle class people who chose Verte de Terre over Cooking Apple Green for their outside window panes.

Middle Class Warning:  you will lose points by using the word Magnolia at any stage when discussing colours.  That is for people who shop at B&Q.  If you attempt to match Farrow and Ball colours by mixing cheaper paint from the aforementioned B&Q, be aware that F&B (as you should from now on refer to them) have patented all Middle Class Colours, and will alert your friends and colleagues to the fact that you are actually a pleb.

Such is the popularity of F&B in recent years that there are now market towns in the Cotswolds where the streets have been known to run Raddichio Red with paint spilt by couples anxiously attempting to cram enough pots into the back of their artfully muddied Range Rovers. 

Middle Class points accrued by buying Farrow and Ball paint:  6