For anyone attempting to bluff their way as a Middle Class person, this is the it: the acid test, the deal-breaker, the ultimate short hand way of accruing those essential points. Think of it as your access all areas pass to backstage bourgeois success. Anyone who does not listen to Radio 4 cannot be Middle Class - others will notice, and you will fail.
For the uninitiated, Radio 4 is a BBC talk radio station that caters exclusively for the liberal chattering classes. It's programmes often deliberately sound vaguely academic and obscure, in order to satisfy its' listeners need for Supper Party conversation starters. A typical schedule in one day might include items on Ottoman Empire pottery, String Theory, ASBO's and obesity, and the effect of divorce rates on property prices in northern England.
These items are interspersed with regular programmes that have a vocal fan base, dedicated to the point of personality disorder. Most notable of these is the interminable rural soap The Archers, which rabid listeners occasionally confuse with real life.
The second key reference is the pointlessly shouty Today Programme, in which aging broadcasting alpha males interrupt politicians with irrelevant questions they've been fed through an ear piece, until everybody weeps hot tears of despair over the future of ring-fenced funding for playing fields in the borough of Tower Hamlets.
An easy way to impress a new Middle Class acquaintance who may be suspicious that you do not have the right credentials, is to make a casual reference to something you heard on Radio 4. This should have some relevance to your environment, and make it clear in an understated way that you are something of an intellectual. Double points if it also references another key Middle Class theme, such as locally produced food or standards of education.
For example, while at the cheese stall of your local Farmers' Market, you might make a casual reference to a programme you heard about the influence of large supermarket purchasing power on traditional methods of sheep rearing in the Cotswolds.
Other key phrases to remember for emergencies:
"Did you hear the Duchess of Cornwall on the Archers? I can't believe they closed the Post Office in Ambridge for her visit, it's hard enough to access key services in rural areas these days."
"I thoroughly enjoyed John Humphreys giving the Secretary for Transport a grilling this week on the Today Programme. Fuel prices are a scandal - and i can hardly see us managing the school run on public transport..."
If in doubt at any point, make a sneering reference to Chris Moyles.
Middle Class Points accrued by listening to Radio 4: 10
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Hunter Wellingtons
Known to festival attendees everywhere simply as 'Hunters', this one word term actually refers to a highly popular Middle Class brand of wellington boots. Unusually favoured both by the fashionable of London and the sturdy of the Home Counties, despite their Middle Class potential they should be approached with caution. Both socially and literally, it is easy to slip up while wearing them:
Don't be tricked into thinking that you should wear them while out hunting - it is highly important that you do not use them in any genuine country pursuits. If you attempt to use them properly, rough country folk will laugh at you behind your back. It will simultaneously mark you out as 'nouveau' among the upper classes. Avoid at all costs.
However, to gain Middle Class points it is essential that you wear Hunters while doing the following:
1. Attending horse related events that do not have a formal dress code (Badminton, for example). You should, naturally, also be in full Casual Country Attire - a Middle Class dress code fraught with danger - its complexities and subtleties are explored elsewhere.
2. Country Walking.
Never, ever refer to this as rambling.
This is typically done on weekends, and sometimes special trips into rural areas may be made for this purpose. Ideally, you will have a dog with you. Ideally, this will be a labrador or spaniel of some description, called either Charlie or Henry. Country walking fits into the wider context of being 'close to nature' in your leisure time, which is very important to the Middle Classes. It is also useful for getting some actual mud onto your new Hunters, so that they look authentic.
The walk is punctuated by an important institution; the Pub Lunch, which may only occur in a Gastro-pub. You can make a point of taking off your Hunters before entering, because they are so muddy. Don't worry about forgetting; the Gastro-pub will have a passive agressive note on the front door to remind you.
3. Attending Festivals.
Undoubtedly where you will have first heard of Hunters. First popularised by the satirical performance artist Kate Moss, and now ubiquitous. To be combined in a carefully haphazard manner with vintage clothes, which are not to be referred to as second hand. You may also wear your Hunters with a glamorous evening dress, to imply that you are both carefree and ironic. It does not matter if other Middle Class People misinterpret the word irony.
Middle Class Warning: Purchasing Hunters that are not plain green or blue is an instant fail. Spotty, stripy or floral will decimate your points. Noone will assume you are being ironic.
Middle Class points accrued by owning Hunters: 4
Don't be tricked into thinking that you should wear them while out hunting - it is highly important that you do not use them in any genuine country pursuits. If you attempt to use them properly, rough country folk will laugh at you behind your back. It will simultaneously mark you out as 'nouveau' among the upper classes. Avoid at all costs.
However, to gain Middle Class points it is essential that you wear Hunters while doing the following:
1. Attending horse related events that do not have a formal dress code (Badminton, for example). You should, naturally, also be in full Casual Country Attire - a Middle Class dress code fraught with danger - its complexities and subtleties are explored elsewhere.
2. Country Walking.
Never, ever refer to this as rambling.
This is typically done on weekends, and sometimes special trips into rural areas may be made for this purpose. Ideally, you will have a dog with you. Ideally, this will be a labrador or spaniel of some description, called either Charlie or Henry. Country walking fits into the wider context of being 'close to nature' in your leisure time, which is very important to the Middle Classes. It is also useful for getting some actual mud onto your new Hunters, so that they look authentic.
The walk is punctuated by an important institution; the Pub Lunch, which may only occur in a Gastro-pub. You can make a point of taking off your Hunters before entering, because they are so muddy. Don't worry about forgetting; the Gastro-pub will have a passive agressive note on the front door to remind you.
3. Attending Festivals.
Undoubtedly where you will have first heard of Hunters. First popularised by the satirical performance artist Kate Moss, and now ubiquitous. To be combined in a carefully haphazard manner with vintage clothes, which are not to be referred to as second hand. You may also wear your Hunters with a glamorous evening dress, to imply that you are both carefree and ironic. It does not matter if other Middle Class People misinterpret the word irony.
Middle Class Warning: Purchasing Hunters that are not plain green or blue is an instant fail. Spotty, stripy or floral will decimate your points. Noone will assume you are being ironic.
Middle Class points accrued by owning Hunters: 4
Farrow and Ball
Are you in the process of re-decorating your period property? Be aware, it will need to be both charming and rustic. However, any actual shabbiness, in the manner of those habitually living in the countryside, will lose you class points. Luckily, it has come to our attention that there is an easy way to achieve this.
Farrow and Ball paint will quickly disguise any unpleasant reminders of your (second) homes' previous, less middle class occupants, who were probably elderly farmers with regional accents or something. While being effusive about their local knowledge to other Middle Class People at supper parties (you MUST describe them at some point as 'real', 'genuine' or 'an absolute find'), you will of course need to remove the remove the late nineties lino from the original feature stone flag flooring, and get the Aga ordered pronto (more on that later).
But first, you must know that there are actually only 4 colours you may paint the walls in. These are: National Trust Green, Thomas Pink shirt Blue, Not Beige Brown, and Definitely Not Magnolia Cream.
Luckily, Farrow and Ball make it easy for you by stocking only these 4 colours. Crucially however, they retain their middle class popularity not only by being wildly overpriced, but by dividing these colours up into exactly 64,329 shades, each with a different name to those listed above. This provides you with an opportunity to silently judge other middle class people who chose Verte de Terre over Cooking Apple Green for their outside window panes.
Middle Class Warning: you will lose points by using the word Magnolia at any stage when discussing colours. That is for people who shop at B&Q. If you attempt to match Farrow and Ball colours by mixing cheaper paint from the aforementioned B&Q, be aware that F&B (as you should from now on refer to them) have patented all Middle Class Colours, and will alert your friends and colleagues to the fact that you are actually a pleb.
Such is the popularity of F&B in recent years that there are now market towns in the Cotswolds where the streets have been known to run Raddichio Red with paint spilt by couples anxiously attempting to cram enough pots into the back of their artfully muddied Range Rovers.
Middle Class points accrued by buying Farrow and Ball paint: 6
Farrow and Ball paint will quickly disguise any unpleasant reminders of your (second) homes' previous, less middle class occupants, who were probably elderly farmers with regional accents or something. While being effusive about their local knowledge to other Middle Class People at supper parties (you MUST describe them at some point as 'real', 'genuine' or 'an absolute find'), you will of course need to remove the remove the late nineties lino from the original feature stone flag flooring, and get the Aga ordered pronto (more on that later).
But first, you must know that there are actually only 4 colours you may paint the walls in. These are: National Trust Green, Thomas Pink shirt Blue, Not Beige Brown, and Definitely Not Magnolia Cream.
Luckily, Farrow and Ball make it easy for you by stocking only these 4 colours. Crucially however, they retain their middle class popularity not only by being wildly overpriced, but by dividing these colours up into exactly 64,329 shades, each with a different name to those listed above. This provides you with an opportunity to silently judge other middle class people who chose Verte de Terre over Cooking Apple Green for their outside window panes.
Middle Class Warning: you will lose points by using the word Magnolia at any stage when discussing colours. That is for people who shop at B&Q. If you attempt to match Farrow and Ball colours by mixing cheaper paint from the aforementioned B&Q, be aware that F&B (as you should from now on refer to them) have patented all Middle Class Colours, and will alert your friends and colleagues to the fact that you are actually a pleb.
Such is the popularity of F&B in recent years that there are now market towns in the Cotswolds where the streets have been known to run Raddichio Red with paint spilt by couples anxiously attempting to cram enough pots into the back of their artfully muddied Range Rovers.
Middle Class points accrued by buying Farrow and Ball paint: 6
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